INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOT WHEELS^® SUPER DELUXE GARAGE VERSION 2.2

1. To open box, cut tape holding flaps together. To open tri-sturdy plastic packaging within box. cut packaging open. To open individual di-sturdy plastic baggies within tri-sturdy plastic packaging, cut baggies open. To open cellophane packaging within each individual di-sturdy plastic baggies, cut cellophane packaging open. DO NOT attempt to rip open bags with fingers or teeth or any other body part, as it may cause damage that Hot Wheels^® is not held liable for in any way. CAUTION- knives, scissors, box-cutters, and other tools used to open packaging are sharp. They can cause bodily harm. It is therefore recommended that before touching these tools you wear sturdy leather gloves and be accompanied by a licensed paramedic throughout the completion of this step. Hemophiliacs and other persons whose blood is similarly affected should skip this step and ask someone else to complete this step instead, as Hot Wheels^® is NOT held liable for in any way for injuries even partially due to this condition. If mental and/or emotional trauma has resulted in the past from the use of knives, scissors, box-cutters, or other tools used to open packaging, ask someone else to complete this step instead.

(HOT WHEELS^® IS NOT LIABLE TO ANY INJURIES THAT MAY OCCUR IN THE PROCESS OF ATTEMPTING TO COMPLETE STEP ONE. IF YOU ARE AT ALL UNSURE AS TO THE SAFETY OF ATTEMPTING TO COMPLETE STEP ONE, DON’T ATTEMPT IT. FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE, CALL THE LAW OFFICES OF J.M. STARK TOLL-FREE AT 800-287-9567, OR E-MAIL THEM AT notliable@jmstark.net. UNTIL RECEIVING INSTRUCTIONS FROM A PROFESSIONAL EMPLOYED BY THE OFFICES OF J. M. STARK, DO NOT TOUCH ANY SAID SHARP TOOLS, BUT RATHER REMAIN SAFE.)

2. After opening the all of the packaging, and disposing of it an entirely safe manner in the proper (as designated by state and municipal governments) disposal containers, arrange each of the 64,152 individual parts, each labeled by a letter of the Cyrillic alphabet, then a letter of the Greek alphabet, then two digits, each from 1 to 9, (as read from right to left, of course) in a spiraling circular pattern, each row of the spiraling circle at least one inch from the row above, according to the following pattern:

     Parts whose first letter is the first Cyrillic vowel should be first, continuing on in alphabetical order of  the first letter, provided it is a Cyrillic vowel, arranged within by reverse alphabetical order according to their second letters (those of the Greek alphabet), afterwards cycling numerically, with all parts whose second letter is a prime number at the far left of the circle in order of the prime number’s magnitude (then arranged within according to the magnitude of the first digit: first digits of smaller magnitude should be to the right of those with a larger magnitude), followed by all other parts whose first letter is the first Cyrillic vowel and whose second letter is the last in the Greek alphabet, in order of the magnitude of the two digits combined as one number, with those parts having two digit numbers of greater magnitude to the right of those having a lesser magnitude. This pattern continues in until the 10 Cyrillic vowels have run out, at which point there will still be pieces whose beginning is one of the 23 other Cyrillic letters left over. Pieces whose label starts with one of these letters should come second, with the order being determined by placing those whose first letter comes later in the Cyrillic alphabet to the left of those whose first letter comes sooner, within having the cycle to alphabetical order according to their second letters (those of the Greek alphabet), but shifting the alphabetical order eleven places to the right (the ‘first’ letter thus being λ, instead of α), within having those whose sum of digits equals 14 coming first, pieces with smaller second digits coming after pieces with larger ones, then afterwards having the pieces be arranged with those parts having two digit numbers of greater magnitude to the left of those having a lesser magnitude; remember to read the letters and digits from right to left, with the ‘first’ letter being farthest to the right, and the ‘second’ letter being to the left of the first.

NOTE: The estimated layout space needed for step two is approximately 1.043 X 10⁸ square feet. For special discounts on hourly rates for renting out warehouse space, call 800-287-9523 and mention “the garage”.

(HOT WHEELS^® IS NOT LIABLE TO ANY MENTAL OR EMOTIONAL TRAUMA THAT MAY OCCUR IN THE PROCESS OF ATTEMPTING TO COMPLETE STEP TWO. IF YOU ARE AT ALL UNSURE AS TO THE SAFETY OF ATTEMPTING TO COMPLETE STEP THREE, DON’T ATTEMPT IT. FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE, CALL THE LAW OFFICES OF J.M. STARK TOLL-FREE AT 800-287-9567, OR E-MAIL THEM AT notliable@jmstark.net. UNTIL RECEIVING INSTRUCTIONS FROM A PROFESSIONAL EMPLOYED BY THE LAW OFFICES OF J.M. STARK, REMAIN CALM AND SAFE AND BREATHE AT A NORMAL RATE.)

3. Step 3 contains diagrams and instructions for how each of the pieces fit with its neighboring piece, but is too long to be printed out as an efficient instruction manual- to see step 3 in its entirety, simply log on to www.hotwheelsfriendlyhelpservice.com and, after inserting the product code in the “instruction manual box”, install the complete the 82 GB download. For the instruction manual on 467 CD-ROMS, simply mail us your address, your proof of purchase, a $650.00 check made payable to “Hot Wheels Extortion”.  Also include the address of the store where you bought the product from,  why you decided on that particular store, how you got to that particular store, and a 500 word essay on whether or not you were content with the method of transportation that you used to go to the store.

(HOT WHEELS^® IS NOT LIABLE TO ANY MENTAL OR EMOTIONAL TRAUMA THAT MAY OCCUR IN THE PROCESS OF ATTEMPTING TO COMPLETE STEP THREE, NOR IS IT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DAMAGES OCCURING TO PERSONAL PROPERTY (SUCH AS COMPUTERS) OR INNOCENT BYSTANDERS. IF YOU ARE AT ALL UNSURE AS TO THE SAFETY OF ATTEMPTING TO COMPLETE STEP THREE, DON’T ATTEMPT IT. FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE, CALL THE LAW OFFICES OF J.M. STARK TOLL-FREE AT 800-287-9567, OR E-MAIL THEM AT notliable@jmstark.net. UNTIL RECEIVING INSTRUCTIONS FROM A PROFESSIONAL EMPLOYED BY THE LAW OFFICES OF J.M. STARK, REMAIN CALM AND SAFE, BREATHE AT A NORMAL RATE, AND REFRAIN FROMPERSONAL CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE THE TENDENCY TO BE OPTOMISTIC AND “LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE”.)

STORAGE NOTES: Store this product at a temperature no lower than 47.36 °F and no higher than 48.19 °F. If the product is stored at a temperature lower than this range for longer than 17 minutes, the plastic will shatter instantaneously. If the product is stored at a temperature higher than this ranger for longer than 23 minutes, the plastic will melt into a highly toxic liquid. If this occurs please call 800-287-9544 and mention “Hot Wheels Clean Up and Containment” before calling anyone else.

MANUFACTURED IN CHINA BY THE PEOPLE’S GOVERNMENT’S “WORK ABROAD” PROGRAM.

The paint in this product may or may not contain small traces of lead and or irradiated copper. Use at your own risk.

 OK- Actually, this is a satire that I hacked out in the past two hours for English class- it was originally formatted with tiny font as a real manual would, and looked all professional as a parody should, but it wouldn't copy and paste correctly into xanga, grr.....so just pretend, alright?

:)

Joe